Turning Sorrow into Seed
So, it’s been a few weeks since my last post and that’s because I’ve been battling with myself on where I am in life. Thoughts of not being far enough in life or where’d I’d like to be, have frequented my mind in my alone time. But as I reflected upon my past, I figured I’d share a little just as a reminder to myself and others of how far I’ve come.
It was about 1 o’clock in the afternoon around 2004 at Huntington Middle School. I was in Spanish class and I asked the teacher if I could go to the restroom. I went to the restroom and stayed gone for the entire class period. I had stayed hiding out in the restroom leaving my belongings in class. When the bell rang to switch class periods, I walked right out of the bathroom out of the side door of the school and went straight home. I had decided to skip the rest of the day.
So, let me add a little context to the setting for you. I was shy, I was nerdy, I was chubby, and I was in a school that lacked diversity. Many of these kids had been exposed to so many things not appropriate for their age and all they valued was cool shoes and street cred. Not having the same homelife as many of these kids, I became a target of torment and bullying. I went to hide in the bathroom that day because the teasing and tormenting had begun, and I just wanted to be invisible and remove myself from the spotlight of negative attention. I was unsure of how to defend myself against such harsh kids and my teachers allowed the bullying to continue day in and day out.
As an 11 or 12-year-old child, I was harboring so much pain and hurt. Sorrow filled my soul, and nothing relieved the pain. I didn’t know who to talk to or how to talk to others about it. That day in the bathroom, I wished I was invisible. My teacher not sending anyone to look for me or being concerned that I was gone the entire class period was an obvious indicator to me that I was not valuable. My presence was insignificant which fueled my desire to be invisible. I wished I was dead so the hurt would end.
For over a decade I battled with self-worth and self-assurance issues. I tried to maintain my invisible complex in my adulthood. I didn’t want people to see me or acknowledge me. I wanted to be unheard and unseen because I felt I had nothing valuable to offer. The pain and sorrow I held on to paralyzed me with fear. I struggled with sorrow for so long that it turned into depression.
But then there was one day when I was sitting in a church service and I was broken on the inside. (I was a sophomore in college at this point.) The praises of God were going forth, and suddenly the weight of sorrow just lifted off me and God set me free. As the years have gone by, I have evolved and changed so much and at first, I didn’t notice just how much. Although I’m eternally grateful to God for changing my narrative, I questioned what was the purpose of it all? Why did I have those experiences that caused so much pain and sorrow?
It was then that I realized one of my greatest gifts was the gift of encouragement. I have been anointed by God to encourage people of all backgrounds and pray them to their place of deliverance. It’s through my encouragement and prayers that others become empowered and emboldened. God has taken me from a place of no self-confidence to a place where I build up the confidence of others.
I put my faith to work for others. I discern the brokenness in those around me so much that I can feel their pain and begin to intercede for them in prayer. (I just recently discovered that I was doing that.) That’s when I realized why I went through so much in my youth. The pain that I experienced was preparation for my purpose. As Sarah Jakes Roberts so eloquently put it, “God turned my sorrow into seed.” The sorrow I carried became the seed to birth my purpose and my ministry. It is because of the bullying, torment, and teasing that I had to search for my validation and identity in Christ.
I am an heir to God’s kingdom. I AM A ROYAL PRIESTHOOD AND A CHOSEN GENERATION. I am not any of what my peers said I was. The hurt, pain, and sorrow pushed me to God and put me on the path of destiny. My sorrow literally became my seed. How could I testify that God is able to change your story, or deliver you from a place of brokenness if I had not experienced it for myself?
God is my strong tower. He builds me up where I am torn down. He strengthens me where I am weak. He rescues me when I’m in trouble. But I wouldn’t be able to tell you any of that if he had not done it for me in my life. He will take your broken pieces and turn them into a masterpiece. HE DID IT FOR ME! My broken pieces were my seed. That seed sprouted into my many ministry gifts. This blog you’re reading is direct evidence of that.
I make the declaration over every reader, that you be made whole in Jesus’ name. May you use the pain and sorrow in your life to birth great and mighty things that will change the trajectory of your life. You are royalty because MY GOD says so!
Take some time to check out this powerful message by Sarah Jakes Roberts that ministered to me in my most recent struggle. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQEP2iBubgY
If you haven’t already, take a moment to read the blog post before this one. It will encourage you in walking in your uniqueness. http://thecoronationblog.com/2020/06/09/how-to-measure-up-when-you-dont-measure-up/